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Unfinished Pages:
You're all caught up!
i went for my first day today. it was okay but then i went into town and watched someone get stabbed and bleed out? there was blood everywhere
college sucked and they dont think ill be able to handle it so they might kick me off the course and nobody there likes me and im a huge embarrasment next week on monday im going to jump into the road instead of going to college so nobody has to look at me ever again my life is over and i will never be happy again
Hello! I am on holiday. I FUCKING hate holidays. I'm also gonna start college in 2 days, so im gonna have to drive 3 hours to go to college and then drive 3 hours just to get back. This sucks. At least my college is right next to a CEX so I can go look at old consoles when i'm done. hooray.
While i've been on holiday, ive:
Drove past 2 seperate halfs of different animals on the same trip to tescos, had the fucking NASTIEST SLIMIEST maccies burger, went to an arcade and had a machine break and give me one thousand two hundred tickets (which I spent on one pair of fairy wings), and watched my dad tape a dead crab to the front of his van, as a decoration.
I'm not too sure about college. I don't think i'll make it. I think i'm gonna get to the door and chicken out. I'd like to do it, obviously, but i'm a huge wimp.
anyway, I dont want to talk to you anymore. ESPECIALLY not you. I'll update about college, or not. you cant tell me what to do.
im okay now. i cant be arsed to write here really, but i feel much better.
also, i am officially a college student! hooray. i guess. i will update again when i actually go out and do something next. goodbye!!
i am living in a nightmare and i cant wake up. somebody please save me. i got the chance to get help yesterday but im a fucking idiot and i didnt get any. i am suffering. it hurts. im in physical pain, it is agony. it wont stop. i havent stopped crying since i got home. i need somebody to fucking take me away, please. i wont survive this for much longer. im not loved, im not cared about, i have nobody to talk to, i dont know whats wrong with me but it wont stop and i need it to stop because i dont feel like i can live like this for another week. this is what being around my mother for a month does to me. i would literally rather have her hit me than say the things she says to me. i havent talked about this, but i genuinely dont feel like any of this is real anymore, things are too out of the ordinary, hence the living in a nightmare. things are just out of place enough to not feel real anymore. i dont like this, i never used to be this bad. it all started when i was raped, i think. he convinced me that my parents hated me, which they quite obviously do, and to report them, which i did. our relationship never really recovered from that. id rather had stayed blissfully ignorant. he ruined my life. he was the reason i failed my gcses. tostart with, he said he wanted me to be his stay-at-home wife and to not do any coursework, which i did, because i thought he loved me. then i realised what he was doing to me, and by that point my self worth was so low i didnt feel like i deserved to pass, so i would purposefully get myself in trouble and not do anything. then year 11 rolled about, and thats when i really started hating myself. i had no motivation or desire to do anything for myself, so again, i did no coursework. then i did my GCSEs, which i actually did really good on, but since i had done no coursework, and coursework is 60% of your grade... i failed everything. i have to do it again. i dont want to do it again. i know what im doing, but he ruined my life. he has never been prosecuted. i want to, but ill have to go to court and i dont want to be anywhere near that disgusting man.
in other news, heres a gnarly ass bruise that showed up on my leg somehow. i have no idea where it came from, but it really hurts.
ow.
i want to stop talking about my mother now. it stresses me out. hopefully im able to if she stops, but im not hopeful in the slightest.
i cant sleep, i will probably never sleep again. i dont deserve sleep. none of this is real or happening. i am hallucinating. everything feels like a blur. im an idiot and i have no idea why i refused help because i am currently in hell burning and that was the only chance i had at saving myself and i didnt take it. i need to get out right now. im too tired to run off. i might call the police. i probably wont because i am hallucinating and i dont want to drag them into this. none of this is real or happening. nobody would let their child get like this so this must not be happening. i want to wake up now. im losing my shit. this will never stop and i will be stuck like this until i end my life. i have to go to college in the morning for an interview or my parents will get very angry at me so i might just not try and sleep anymore because if i do i will probably miss it and it will make my situation worse and i am already very scared. i can not stop panicking. i can not distract myself. i have tried to distract myself and it is not working. i have no thoughts left. i physically cannot think anything at all. im so scared i dont want to feel like this anymore and i know it will only get worse because i have gotten to this point and there is still 2 weeks of the 6 weeks left. can somebody please save me i dont deserve this i cant do it somebody please help me
my mum saw my arms, and she is angry at me. She's ridiculous. first thing she said was "You're just doing it to upset me", because everything is always about her and she is always the victim. I hate her. Hate is a strong word, I know, but I mean it. There is no compassion in that woman. I HATE her. I hate her so much. Next thing was "You're doing it for attention". no. No, not really, of course, you wouldn't know, I've told you why, but you don't want to understand. You don't like to know that maybe I struggle more than you. You cant handle that, because you're the victim. I'm abusive. I'm abusive for hurting myself, and hiding it from you. I can't stand her. I want to leave this house. I probably won't be able to go out tomorrow, because now theres nobody to question her parenting, so she can do what she wants with me. I fucking hate her. She makes me so angry, like, boiling angry.
shes obviously gone and told my dad, because now hes texting me about it. I hate everything, everything is evil, the world is evil, my parents are evil, I am so frustrated all the time. I'm tired. I sleep all the time, but I'm sick and fucking tired.
update: I talked to my dad and I am now apparently even more at risk of being kicked out of my house because my mother doesnt want to put up with me anymore. like i said a few days ago. she wants a neurotypical daughter. not me. im too much. yet my brother isnt? she just doesnt care.
i think my mother is going to kick me out soon. ive failed all my gcses, i dont do anything productive, i dont do anything for the household, and i sure as shit dont intend on showing up to college, so why keep me around? thats completely ok with me. i dont want to spend any more time trying to be good enough for her, because she wont take it. no matter how nice i am to her, she will always find a reason to have a problem with me, and you just cant please some people.
i can hear her downstairs, right now, complaining about me to someone on the phone. thats all its been. complaining about me. i care about her, i really do, but i have literally had enough of trying my hardest to be pallatable for her, just to be told i never try. she thinks im the most awful person shes ever met, but i could be so much fucking worse, and that is exactly what i am going to do. i am going to make her feel what i feel. i am going to make her realise that i was trying my best. i am done being a functional member of society, there are two ways this will end, with me in a psych ward or with me in prison.
I'm going to be going on a very, very long walk tomorrow. Will I be coming back? Completely depends on how im treated tonight. i will be setting off as soon as my mother wakes up and coming home when it starts getting dark.
In other news, I have decided on how i'm going to be killing myself. I don't want to state how or when, because I don't have a when and I dont want somebody to find this and report it.
Ok whatever im tired buh bye for now
i wish my mother loved me. she took me out today, to learn how to use the buses, and to go around the town centre. something about my mother is that, unlike her other kids, she snaps at me very easily. first, we got there, and everything was going okay, but then i said something too quiet for her to hear and she got pissy with me when i said it didnt matter (i wanted to go and look inside a secondhand store but asking her for things stresses me out). then we got back to the bus station, and everything seemed fine again, but when the bus we needed to go on passed us into a different bus stop she started stressing out at me, which yeah. no shit. the person you took to learn how to use the buses. doesnt fucking know how to use the buses.
i asked her why she was stressing out, which, big fucking mistake, because i mean, obviously the woman running to a bus thats going to be there for another 5 minutes and shouting at me to hurry up clearly isnt stressing out.
she made sure to sit as far away from me that was available on the hus and shouted at me from the other side of the street about how unpleasant i was to be around and how nobody wanted to spend time with me because i was impossible to please. im not, i just dont like being shouted at? like anybody?
i got home and ran up to my room while my mum was complaining about me to my dad, and at the time of writing this, 4 hours after it happened, nobody has come to check up on me, because they couldnt give less of a shit. ive learnt to ignore what she says about me, but i cant ignore the fact that she literally just doesnt love me. she still thinks that buying me food and clothes is a privelidge that is to be earned yet when i buy something with my own money (for example, my phone that she made me buy myself, while my disability payments had been paused by the way, that she made me put things on it to control what i do at the ripe old age of 16, or i wasnt allowed to go out and have a life). nevermind treats me like a child and expects me to act like an adult, she treats me like scum and expects me to have come out completely unaffected and also neurotypical somehow. she literally goes around telling people i was her "test child". i was. she says it as a joke, but i fucking was. i parented her children. i was 4 when i taught her autistic son to read and fucking write, because as soon as she saw that word on a piece of government paper, it was her golden ticket to not giving a shit and letting the tablet raise him instead. i was 5 when i first started breaking up my parents arguments, and i was 7 when i stopped and moved on to distracting my siblings from the sound of shouting and banging and slamming. i am sick of being the adult in this house. they dont even think im a child anymore, but i was never a child to them. as soon as i was old enough to gain sentience i moved on to being the babysitter.
i hate it. i hate looking after children. i never got to be a child. its not fair. i just wanted to live a normal life and not be a parent at 3. i wanted to live a normal life with parents that understand my needs as an autistic person and accomodates for me so that i can function. i wanted to live a normal life, wth a normal family, with an emotionally stable mother that considers me more than a free babysitter, and a father that understands that sometimes you cant just sleep off some things, and maybe even a sister that doesnt take her anger out on me. i hate it here. ive always hated it here. i always will hate it here. i keep thinking that maybe ill wake up one day and it will all stop, but it wont, will it? i need to find a way to let go of them, im too attached. i love my parents. every child does. i shouldnt. they dont love me back. i cant do this for much longer.
I started self harming again this morning, at 4:10. I'd gone almost a month without, so i am beyond disappointed in myself. i dont feel like im in my own body without looking down and seeing the scars, ive been doing it since i was eleven, so over time ive just accepted it as a part of myself. being without them feels wrong, like missing a birthmark or a tattoo or something. my parents have been reluctantly taking me to counselling about it, to get me to stop. but it wont work. it hasnt for the past 5 years, it definitely wont work now. i dont want to stop. i dont feel like me when i stop. theres no reason for me to stop. so why should i? it feels good, it gives me adrenaline, it makes me feel less dysphoric about myself, it hardly even hurts anymore, half of the time I just do it to feel like myself again, so its not even really self harm. why should i stop? i just want to feel like myself, it stresses me out when i look at my arms and theres no cuts, so what are the benefits? i dont know. whatever. buh bye.
I haven't done a thing this week except relapse, it's been such a waste.
I've started smoking weed again, for the first time since May. so what if I fucking have? I'm stressed. all the time i'm fucking stressed. I hate living here, i'm walking on eggshells. I go to sleep at six in the morning, wake up again at 4 in the afternoon, go for 'breakfast', get picked on for sleeping so late, have a conversation where if I say anything with the slightest amount of disinterest it's regarded as me 'bullying', go back upstairs to be away from them, and work on this site or draw for 12 hours again. my room is a state. I am a state. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth for almost a month. I am absolutely disgusting. I hate myself so much, I deserve to be disgusting. What if their right, you know? what if I am a bully? I wish I'd get taken away, not just for my sake, but for theirs. They clearly can't handle me. I might attempt suicide just to get put in a ward for a while, to get a break from the constant stress. worst and best case scenario, i'm away from them.
I'm going back to my old high school, for my GCSE results in a week. I might just beg them for help while i'm there, i'm sure they'll help me, they care, i'm sure.
I feel so useless. I barely do anything, yet I'm so drained from the anxiety all the time. I just wish somebody at home would be on my side for once.
I'm so desperate to be able to talk to somebody about this, I've had a few in the past but they've never stayed. I was so desperate in fact that I let myself get domestically abused, and at the height of it, sexually assaulted every day for 2 weeks fucking straight, just to be able to complain. I was fourteen years old when I was first raped. 2 weeks of it. You have no idea how disoriented I was for not only those 2 weeks, but for the month that followed. I tried so hard to forget that i completely disassociated. I'm still remembering parts of it to this day, 2 years later.
I dont want to live anymore. I'm completely hopeless that things will get any fucking better. I think it does, but then it gets ten times worse.
I feel a little better now. I still feel trapped, but I'm not thinking about suicide anymore, so hooray.
I want to be taken away. Not because I don't like my parents, I love my parents. They were the ones fighting to get me an autism diagnosis, to get put into a specialist school, to make sure every counsellor and doctor and teacher understands everything they think I need, but when it comes to them, they don't care. I don't understand it, how my mum went off at somebody for putting me under pressure to get an answer out of me, but does the exact same thing to me and expects me to cooperate with her and not freak out.
I'm sure they love me, but what they really want is a neurotypical daughter. I'm too much for them apparently. one second I'm 'high functioning' enough for them to consider pulling me out of school because they're 'making me slow' (theyre not, they've actually been more help than my parents ever were), and the next I'm 'overreacting' or their favourite, 'having a tantrum' (a meltdown) and when their half assed response of 'deep breaths' doesn't work, they resort to screaming in my face about how selfish and ridiculous I am, and when I try to leave them to calm down they mock me and tell me to 'go feel sorry for myself', every single time, and then follow me upstairs 5 minutes later and go off at me again. I can't escape them and it panics me. I don't get any peace, I always have to worry about how everyone else is feeling that day. "What if mums having a bad day and goes off at me for nothing? Dad sure as shit won't defend me, he'll probably even join in, I'll be ganged up on again." "What if my sisters had a bad day at school and beats me up? mum definitely won't care at all and tell me to 'act my age'." . I was having a particularly bad argument with them a few days ago and I went upstairs and I finally realised.
Nobody is coming to save me.
I had a full-blown panic attack. I can't describe how trapped I feel. I don't know what to do, I've been trying to figure it out for years but unless I run away (which I'm not going to do, I'm not dumb) I just have to wait it out. And honestly? I'm not sure I'll survive that. I'm really not. I feel so isolated. Nobody will defend me, nobody is on my side, nobody is going to save me. I have been going around and around in circles for the past 6 years and I am so sick of it. I need to get out.
I intend on taking my own life soon. It has been the plan to jump into the M60 this month since I was ten. I wanted to see if high school would help, but if anything it has made me so much worse. I have been blocked by all of my friends and my family despises me.
My mother is a bully. I have been in bed all day. I've lost the will to do anything. I went downstairs for the first time, because I hadn't (and still havent, at 12 in the morning) eaten anything all day, and after having a nice converstion with her, she goes to wind me up by going to touch me, like always, despite me asking her not to every time she does. I have autism. I don't like being touched without a warning, otherwise it overwhelms the shit out of me. But she LOVES not to warn me. She said that she wouldn't stop because 'it was her job' and 'it's cute when I get angry about it', and when I got mad at her, because how DARE she dismiss my feelings and my boundaries as "being cute" she started calling me special needs and selfish, telling me i'm "trying so hard to be a victim", as always, and when that didnt seem to bother me she got angrier and angrier until she tipped the food I was making into the bin, my food. that I bought. with my own money, because she refuses to buy food for me that I'll actually eat, because I'm a "picky eater". that she sure as shit doesnt intend on paying me back for. I think it's ridiculous that she calls me a picky eater, when my brother does exactly the same, and because he presents as higher needs than me, its okay for him. It's ARFID for him and my mum, and "little selfish brat who refuses to eat anything I make" for me. She argues that I eat it eventually. No SHIT. If I don't I fucking STARVE, which I DO. YOU KNOW I DO. WHY DO YOU THINK I WEIGH 6 FUCKING STONE. She started screaming in my face. I am now not allowed to go outside, I'm not allowed to ask her for anything until September and I am not allowed access to my own money. She picks and picks at me, hoping to get a reaction out of me by calling me names and when she doesn't she takes things away. the last thing she said to me before I went upstairs was "go on, go feel sorry for yourself", so thats exactly what I'm going to do, actually. Her favourite thing to call me as of the start of the 6 weeks is 'selfish' because I've been bedrotting instead of being around her (I wonder why), but recently my best friend called me a bitch so she's been busy affirming that.
My money isn't even hers to take away, I get given it by the government. I don't have access to my bank account anymore so I can't transfer it to somewhere safe, and I can't take cash out because i'm not allowed to step foot outside. I'm really scared. She will buy me food and nothing else and I wont have any money for what I want. she doesn't care what I want, because to her, i am not her child anymore, I am not even a child full stop to her. I am her "friend", her housemate, and nothing else. I might call the police, if she hasnt disabled the phone I BOUGHT, WITH MY OWN FUCKING MONEY. I'm sure this must be abuse.
I feel so trapped, I feel like when you're in a nightmare and you try to run, but you cant, and whatever is chasing you is speeding up. there is nobody left to talk to, and she will poke and prod at me until I give her a reaction. I'll give her a fucking reaction all right, when she finds me behind yellow tape, underneath a plastic tarp, so nobody has to look at me, as a pile of fleshy mush on the motorway. But I suppose that will have to wait until after I get my GCSE results back. I'm so hungry and I want to smoke a joint so fucking bad, That woman stresses me out.
I haven't done much this week, unfortunately. I did go out with my 'friend' quite a bit, but then he got really asshole-ish with me so I'm not gonna talk to him anymore.
I did a lot of walking. I walked to another town and back, up a hill 4 times. ouch.
I was also gonna try out skateboarding for the first time, but i didnt get to do that because I got abandoned in the middle of the park I went to by the person who agreed to watch incase I broke something. Asshole.
Hiya!!
You may notice last time I wrote here was... 5 months ago. Well, Thing is... I may have completely forgotten this existed... Sorry 
I've been up to a lot, and I mean a lot. I turned 16, I went on holiday abroad for the first time, started smoking (which I am "trying to quit") Did my GCSE's, Finished school, Y'know, a lot.
I'm gonna try and start uploading here again, hopefully it sticks, because I tend to forget this thing exists.
So hopefully, I'll be back next week!!! Bye 
Yesterday I finally got my digicam, so today I went out to try it out! Unfortunately, while I was out, I forgot to take photos, but I did get a photo of one of my cats.
while I was out I bought myself some clothes and a set of speakers for my TV. the audio on my TV has been being weird so hopefully this fixes it.
Today I went out shopping with my fabibro and I got a bunch of games for my PS3 (LBP1, GTA5, Skate 2, Medal Of Honor, Tony Hawk RIDE) and my first ever Juicy Couture hoodie! It cost me good money (30 quid!) and I can't wait for a chance to wear it out! Very excited.
Then I got home and realised one of my PS3 games needed its own controller, that I don't have. DAMMIT.
I also got refunded for a digicam I bought off Ebay, that got lost in the post. I guess I'll have to start my search all over again... Having a digicam is the only way I feel comfortable taking pictures in public, so until I find one, theres not gonna be very many pictures in these blogs.
I did have a Sony Cybershot, but it's so old it eats straight through my batteries and thanks to Sony and their Memory Sticks, I can't get to my photos. Because the MemStick my camera has is SO OLD it's too thick, the camera doesn't register on my computer when I connect it via mini USB, and the software it uses went defunct ELEVEN YEARS AGO!!! I love Sony, I love collecting Sony tech, but I HATE MEMORY STICKS. Grr.